I made my 1st Custom Archetype. Opinions?

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Kai Oosaki
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I made my 1st Custom Archetype. Opinions?

Post #1 by Kai Oosaki » Thu Sep 22, 2022 8:57 am

This is the first time I ever try something like this. It took me a whole month of planning and testing, and even fell sick in the process, but I like how it came out. I wanted to know what others think, whether they like it or not. I don't mind being criticized, if there's a mistake or an issue, I should be able to fix it.

Here's the Custom Deck: https://www.duelingbook.com/deck?id=11577020

It has official cards in it as support, I guess... Please tell me what your opinion is.

Christen57
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Post #2 by Christen57 » Sat Oct 29, 2022 10:20 pm

Haku Hyogaki, Hakaym Ancient Warrior's effect can be shortened from:
If you control no monsters: You can Special Summon this card from your hand. If this card is Special Summoned: You can select and activate 1 of these effects:
⬤Discard 1 card; add "Yuki Hyogaki, Hakaym Sister" from your Deck to your hand.
⬤Select 1 face-up your opponent controls, and change its battle position.
You can only activate each effect of "Haku Hyogaki, Hakaym Ancient Warrior" once per turn.

to:
If you control no monsters: You can Special Summon this card from your hand. If this card is Special Summoned: You can activate 1 or both of these effects (simultaneously).
● Discard 1 card; add "Yuki Hyogaki, Hakaym Sister" from your Deck to your hand.
● Target 1 face-up monster; change its battle position.


You don't need to say "select and activate 1". You can just say "activate 1" without including "select and". I also think letting you choose whether to activate 1 or both of them, or just 1 of them, is fine instead of only letting you activate 1 of them. I also see no need for that second bulleted effect to only be able to target opponent's monsters, nor do I think a hard once per turn here is necessary at the moment as this monster doesn't do enough to warrant one.

Also, you use these bullet points ●
not these larger ones ⬤

Kai Oosaki, Hakaym Auramancer's effect can be buffed from:
If you control a "Hakaym" monster, except "Kai Oosaki, Hakaym Auramancer": You can Special Summon this card from your hand. If this card is Special Summoned: Target 1 "Hakaym" card or "Sense The Aura" in your GY; add it to your hand. You can only activate each effect of "Kai Oosaki, Hakaym Auramancer" once per turn.
to:
You can only use each of these effects of "Kai Oosaki, Hakaym Auramancer" once per turn.
● If you control a "Hakaym" monster: You can Special Summon this card from your hand.
● If this card is Special Summoned: Target up to 1 each "Hakaym" card and "Sense The Aura" in your GY; add them to your hand.


That restriction where it can't special summon itself by controlling another copy of itself feels unnecessary, and it's perfectly fine letting the second effect target both those cards if you have them, instead of only 1. Also, listing your effects like this where they're in separate lines separated by bullet points makes them much more readable as opposed to making them jumbled up looking like one single effect.

Raym Blackwind, Hakaym Berserker's effect can be buffed from:
If your opponent controls a monster: You can Special Summon this card from your hand. If this card is Special Summoned: You can excavate the top 3 cards of your deck, and if you do, add 1 excavated "Hakaym" card to your hand, also place the rest on the bottom of the Deck in any order. You can only activate each effect of "Raym Blackwind, Hakaym Berserker" once per turn.
to:
You can only use each of these effects of "Raym Blackwind, Hakaym Berserker" once per turn.
● If your opponent controls a monster: You can Special Summon this card from your hand.
● If this card is Special Summoned: Excavate the top 3 cards of your Deck, and if you do, add 1 excavated "Hakaym" card or "Sense The Aura" to your hand, also place the rest on the bottom of the Deck in any order.


"Deck" is always capitalized. Also, I think its fine to make the excavating effect mandatory instead of optional, since you're usually always going to activate this effect every chance you get since it's free card advantage.

Yuki Hyogaki, Hakaym Sister's effect can be shortened from:
If you control a "Haku Hyogaki" monster: You can Special Summon this card from your hand. If this card is Special Summoned: You cannot Special Summon from the Extra Deck for the rest of this turn, except "Hakaym" monsters. If this card is in your GY: You can target 1 "Hakaym" monster in the GY; return that target to the Deck and add this card to your hand. You cannot activate this effect the same turn it was sent from the field to the GY. You can only activate each effect of "Yuki Hyogaki, Hakaym Sister" once per turn.
to:
You can only use each of these effects of "Yuki Hyogaki, Hakaym Sister" once per turn.
● If you control a "Hyogaki" monster: You can Special Summon this card from your hand, but if you do, you cannot Special Summon from the Extra Deck for the rest of this turn, except "Hakaym" monsters.
● If this card is in your GY: You can target 1 other "Hakaym" card in your GY; shuffle it into the Deck, also add this card to your hand.


There's no need for the effect to special summon itself, and the effect to lock you into the archetype's extra deck monsters, to be 2 separate effects, and I don't think it's necessary for this to not be allowed to use its effect the turn it was sent to the graveyard from the field.

S-Ko, Hakaym Sleeping Touch's effect can be shortened from:
If your "Hakaym" monster attacks a Defense Position monster, inflict piercing battle damage to your opponent. If there's no face-up "Hakaym" monster on the field, destroy this card. If this card is destroyed and sent to the GY: Target 1 "Hakaym" monster in your GY; add it to your hand. You can only activate this effect of "S-Ko, Hakaym Sleeping Touch" once per turn.
to:
If your "Hakaym" monster attacks a Defense Position monster, inflict piercing battle damage. If there is no face-up "Hakaym" monster on the field, destroy this card. If this card is destroyed: Target 1 "Hakaym" monster or "Sense The Aura" in your GY; add it to your hand. You can only use this effect of "S-Ko, Hakaym Sleeping Touch" once per turn.

You can just say "inflict piercing battle damage" here without including "to your opponent" since it will, by default, inflict that damage to that opponent.

I'm not sure why Sensing The Aura has a second activated effect that isn't a graveyard effect or something, so I would change that card's text from:
Add 1 "Hakaym" card from your Deck to your hand. If you control a "Kai Oosaki" monster: You gain 500 LP. You can only activate 1 "Sense The Aura" per turn.
to:
Add 1 "Hakaym" card from your Deck or GY to your hand. If you control a "Kai Oosaki" monster: You can shuffle any number of cards from your GY into the Deck, including this card; gain 500 LP.

Raym Blackwind, Hakaym Seraph needs to say:
Spell/Trap Card or effect (Quick Effect):
not just
Spell/Trap Card or effect:

The xyz monster's effect can be simplified from:
You can detach 1 Xyz Material from this card to target 1 Set card on the field; destroy it. During either player's turn: You can detach 1 Xyz material from this card, then target 1 face-up monster on the field; it loses 500 ATK/DEF and cannot be destroyed by battle. You can only activate 1 effect of "Kuroi Hyogaki, Hakaym Brother" per turn, and only once that turn.
to:
You can detach 1 material from this card, then target 1 Set card; destroy it. (Quick Effect): You can detach 1 material from this card, then target 1 face-up monster; change its ATK/DEF to 0, but if you do, it cannot be destroyed by battle. These changes last until the end of this turn. You can only use this effect of "Kuroi Hyogaki, Hakaym Brother" once per turn.

Only the second effect really needs a hard once per turn. The first effect not having one is perfectly fine. Also, we don't say "detach 1 Xyz Material" anymore. We say "detach 1 material" without including "Xyz" there. You can also just say "target 1 Set card" without including "on the field" since set cards will always, by default, be on the field. You can also just say "(Quick Effect)" instead of "During either player's turn" here.

UberTrainerMinusInfinity
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Post #3 by UberTrainerMinusInfinity » Sun Oct 30, 2022 10:57 am

Christen57 really knows how to turn ordinary Archetypes into meta mashers, especially on my own decks! If you want him to improve your deck more, first implement the changes into Dueling Book.

DarwisBellium92
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Post #4 by DarwisBellium92 » Sun Oct 30, 2022 11:02 am

Kai Oosaki wrote:This is the first time I ever try something like this. It took me a whole month of planning and testing, and even fell sick in the process, but I like how it came out. I wanted to know what others think, whether they like it or not. I don't mind being criticized, if there's a mistake or an issue, I should be able to fix it.

Here's the Custom Deck: https://www.duelingbook.com/deck?id=11577020

It has official cards in it as support, I guess... Please tell me what your opinion is.


What a waste to use furry images taken from furaffinity without the permission of the artists themselves...
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